The Alumni News spans the globe searching for news and, failing to find any, makes it up and brings it to you, our loyal subscribers. We are staffed 24-7-365 but we spend most of that time goofing off and missing deadlines. As a trusted provider of fake news, we'd cherish our tradition of standards, ethics, and non-partisan balanced coverage if we could ever find the policy manual. The stories contained in these pages are not specifically true and some have not happened as yet, so please do not take anything here too seriously. The site is intended for people over 18 but if you're not - be aware there may be an occasional element of bad taste.